I am tired of being tired.
Rest is not something that I do well or easily. That is not to say that I am efficient or particularly productive. Frequently the opposite, in fact. My mind tends to think in tracks, and once the trains of thought gather steam, simple inertia makes slowing down to rest difficult, at best.
My wife calls this habit obsessive, while I prefer to think of myself as single-minded. But I digress. Whether I am working on my graduate coursework or planning a MYOG bivy on the Backpacking Light forums, I can often think of little else until the train runs its course or I force it—slowly, grindingly—to a halt.
This is good for my grades—less for my marriage, fitness, and life style goals. I cannot help but think that this is a result of habits that I have cultivated slowly and unknowingly. But I am not as young as I used to be, and now my habits intimately affect someone I love.
The paradox of rest is that it allows a person to accomplish more, not less. When we rest, we carry less with us daily. Nor is rest always sleep, but it is a mind both agile and present—forward and rooted. The body and mind are an integrated system. The rest that bring into balance mind and body—power and poise—is what I need.
Spring is coming to Montana, and I hope to spend more nights outside soon. A new M.Ed. class begins on Sunday, and I am tired of this narrow virtuosity. My relationship with my wife is beginning a new phase as our life coheres, and I need to rest in her quiet love.
It is time to hop off this train.